Satan's loss!

I really try not to dwell on the sins of my past too much (or at all) because the past is the past & we all have areas of our lives we wish we could do-over (even if it was just today when I yelled at our son for disobeying instead of responding in love & grace). I've just thought about it more lately & how He gives me so much more grace than I give myself. Every year I'm alive, I think (I hope) I'm learning how to do that better....

I just wonder sometimes how I can help our children circumvent the issues I struggled with & battles I fought from the time I was a child myself... if that's even possible. We each have our own stories to tell; our own battles we fight, and our own war wounds. I guess that's part of life.

My adversaries (from early-on) have been anxiety, extremely low self-worth & depression. (I now know those were contributed to, in great part, by health issues I had but at the time I just felt very alone & confused as to why I had so much more trouble coping with average, daily life issues than others seemed to.)

From the time I was very young I remember being (irrationally) fearful of many things. Then when I got to 10/11/12 years of age (I don't remember exactly when,) the deep depression set in. There was no tangible reason I could see for it, but it was debilitating and inescapable and colored everything I thought, felt, and did. There were times of happiness but the darkness was always there, waiting to creep in again. It impacted me so much that I considered suicide and attempted it when I was about 17 or 18 years old. I felt completely worthless & thought the world would be a better place without me. How Satan twists things & pounces on us in our weaknesses! I still remember that night because of how it affected my relationship with God for years after.

I intended to slit my wrists (though I had a bottle of meds to overdose on if plan A fell through). I hoped to end all the emotional pain I was in (the pain of feeling that no one in the world cared which was totally untrue, though it seemed impossible for me to see anything in my life clearly at the time). So I went in my bedroom, locked the door & just started sobbing uncontrollably in the dark. Through my tears I told God over and over that if He didn't want me to do this, that He would have to stop me, and I half expected the phone to ring or something miraculous... but, nothing. I was overcome with fear about taking my life & cried for a long time, eventually falling asleep. I'm so grateful now that nothing happened!!! However, waking the next morning, I was so angry with God... why didn't He stop me? Why didn't He answer when I called??

In the days that followed, I didn't attempt it again. I went through the motions of living life, but at the core of my heart, I was cold toward God, doubting He mattered, much less, cared about me. The nagging questions kept me from completely trusting Him... why didn't He do anything when I called out to Him??

Surprisingly, even though I was still terribly depressed and felt apathetic toward my life, I never tried it again. I read the Bible searching for something to explain what happened... I called out to Him asking for an answer but couldn't seem to find anything but that I was to "trust Him". What else did I have to hang on to?? Where else could I go? From what God says in His Word, He would never leave me nor forsake me. I felt completely forsaken & left alone. Death was an alternative but not knowing what would happen to me after taking my own life, I chose life. I didn't understand why He didn't answer me in some way, but I guess I just went on in complete, blind faith.

By God's grace, I turned toward Him, leaned into Him, (hoping, trusting, He would be there to lean into)... spoke my heart to Him, searched for how to serve Him & how to live by reading His Word. What else could I do??

Years later I was in a Bible Study by Beth Moore with several friends. I don't remember the context but something Beth Moore said profoundly struck me & shone a bright light on what I went through years earlier. She said "Satan didn't get what he wanted". I thought about that & it welled up emotion that hadn't been stirred in a long time.

"Why didn't you answer me God?? I was at my lowest moment & You didn't answer me when I called..."

"Satan didn't get what He wanted. You're still here."

My heart was pierced- Satan wanted my life but he didn't get it!!! God didn't answer how I thought He would... there was no crashing thunder- no noise, no flash of light to stop me; I just fell quietly asleep in the arms of my Savior. Even if I didn't feel Him, didn't sense Him, He was there. And He didn't let Satan have what he came for- he didn't get ME.

Thank GOD Satan didn't get what he wanted!!!

Because He preserved my life, I've had the privilege to know the love of a phenomenal Christ-like husband (who also gave me the courage & encouragement to be vulnerable & post about this!)

I have 8... EIGHT beautiful, perfectly-formed, miraculously-made, little, precious souls that would never have known life if I wasn't here!!

I'm blessed with an incredible family, am part of an amazing, supportive, loving Church family & have many wonderful friends- among so many other blessings!!!

THANK GOD Satan didn't get what he wanted!!!

It's taken time... my life isn't perfect, but whose is?? I haven't even come close to feeling the temptation to end this precious life for many years now & the depression that I once thought I would never be free from no longer plagues me as it did those years ago!! It hasn't been easy, but God is at work... leading me to healing places (physically, emotionally, spiritually AND mentally) & life is better now than it's ever been!!

THANK GOD Satan didn't get what he wanted!!!
THANK GOD he didn't get ME!!!