Crazy 8's

I came across a picture the other day that made me pause... it was of my grandma surrounded by my mom & her 8 siblings & half-siblings. (Well, one was photo-shopped in...:)

It touched me to think about the relationships they share & how blessed they all are to have each other... then shortly after that I ran across another picture, this time of my father & mother-in-love surrounded by 10 of their grandkids (8 of them being our children:). I paused again, a little overcome again by the blessing in those relationships.

Then a picture entered my mind of my husband & I later in life surrounded by our children. My heart just felt so full of love & joy that God had entrusted us with these precious souls & I wondered, what more could we ask for?

I mentioned in the last post how Jason & I went to the grocery store recently & were approached by a lady in the parking lot after, commenting how well-behaved our children were during our shopping experience & how she can't imagine handling more than her two children. Having 8 children in tow (& being 9 months pregnant with our  9th,) we tend to draw a little bit of attention to ourselves whenever we go out in public (for good & bad). I always wonder how to respond to the comments we get... wondering what I can say that would express the joy I have in being a mother to "so many" & how I would never choose to have it any other way (even though so many think we're "crazy":). But then, how do you possibly go into all the joy & fullness of life that comes with being a mother (even on the worst days) & explain that to someone in a short sentence or two (or three)??

When the lady spoke to me about our children's exemplary behavior, the first thing that came to mind was, "Seriously?" because I had felt myself get frustrated & noticed more than a few times they weren't *that* obedient. I decided against saying that though & it prompted me (again) to think about how I really wanted to answer. 

If she were to get a second glace at our lives... come over & see the crazy mess in the backyard of wood, metal & junk (that the children thought they could put together to make an awesome fort;), or the pit they created more than a few summers ago to dig a tunnel to China that never quite made it there, or the jam-packed garage full of more junk (giant rocks for their "collection", more wood scrap just "in case" they want to build something & broken toys that they just can't seem to let go of), or the many holes in the walls of our house from the boys playing a *little* too hard, or the permanent marker (& crayon & pencil & chalk...) that decorate many of the walls, doors & floors of our home, or the rust that's been picked off the outside of our van by little fingers or even the headliner that's been ripped off the ceiling of our van... (I could go on & on:), I'm sure it would confirm in her mind that our lives are absolutely "crazy" & cause her to wonder why anyone would ever want *this*.

Some moments, that's all I see too. I see the mountain of dishes in the sink & the mountain in the next room of laundry to fold & put away. I see the baby in diapers & the toddler who just can't seem to "catch on" to potty training. I see the unswept (& hardly been mopped in how long?) floor & crumb-covered counters. I see all the bills & another picture frame broken while the children play. I see the beads of the necklace I *just* bought with a gift card from my birthday scattered all over the floor because the 4 yr old wanted to play with it... (again, I could go on & *on*).

It's easy to see the broken, the mess... the chaos in life. It's easy to focus on all the negative... the challenges of life & the struggle of the day to day with all that has to be done.

Several evenings ago Jason & I had the *rare* privilege of going out to dinner & a movie *completely & totally* alone. There were no little fingers grabbing for the food on my plate & no one to keep occupied while I tried to have a conversation with my husband. I was able to focus on the movie & enjoy holding Jason's hand without interruption. We came home to a quiet house & were able to indulge in strawberries &  cheesecake I had bought (& we didn't have to share!:) It was a wonderful treat. At the same time, when we picked up 6 of our children the next morning, I was beyond thrilled to see them & hug them again! I was looking forward to the other 2 coming home later that afternoon & didn't (in any way) long for the peace & quiet I had enjoyed the night before. In fact, I had trouble sleeping (in part because of the caffeine I had over dinner, but also) because of the intense silence of a house with no children! I was thankful for the break (don't get me wrong,) but I was also reminded of how very grateful I am for all that God has given to us.

I have to be honest. Though I've had rough moments & days & weeks, there isn't a single time that I have thought "I wish we didn't have all these kids". There isn't a single one I would want to send back. :) As rough as this life can be at times, I am in awe at the fact that God has so graciously given us so very much! As I see the twins getting older & offering to make me breakfast with my eggs runny because I "like it that way", I have to sigh & smile, because I see the fruit of our labor of love in their lives. :) I am so far from being a perfect (let alone "good") parent! Becoming a mother has shown me just how selfish, unloving, impatient...  unkind I am (though I know I thought otherwise before we had them:). I've said over & over what a refining experience mothering has been in my life!

Now having had so much time to think over what my response will be the next time I face someone like the woman in the parking lot (in awe that we can keep so many little ones in line, like we're actually keeping them in line anyway,) I think I know what I will say. I'll tell her something I'm sure she already knows. I'll tell her that being a mother is a challenging & refining process, whether you have 1 child or 9. Then I'll ask her a question, "At what other time in life, though, does God give you the privilege of having such a significant & indelible impact on another soul as you do when you're a mother?" I'll tell her that I'm not so great of a mother just because my children are obeying *for now*- I just love my children the best I can, teach them God's Word & pray for His grace to fill in the many gaps.

I hope it helps her to see how *vitally important* her presence is in her own child(ren)'s lives. I pray that she understands that she can't be a loving, "good mom" of her own strength but that God is here to guide & help her. I hope she is aware that she is going to make mistakes (& that I make mistakes!) & that, as long as we have another breath, there is always time to do better because God's grace is sufficient. I pray that she knows she is deeply loved by Jesus Christ (& all that He has done for her) & that He can teach her to be the mother she longs to be.

I pray that all of you mothers reading this know these things & realize (no matter how much you feel inadequate for this task,) that God has chosen you to be your child's mother & He has given you all that you need to do a great job at it- & that is enough.

Speak life, Speak Light

There's a quote by John Wooden (one of my husband's idols :) ) that I've always agreed with but despised (because of the lack of time I thought I had):
“Five years from now, you’re the same person except for the people you’ve met and the books you’ve read.”

More than a few years ago I came to a decision. I kept making excuses for not having the time to fully delve into the Word of God, nor the time to read other quality books. Yet as I was teaching our young children to read & reading lower-level books to them (for the sake of educating them,) this quote kept coming to mind. I determined that since I was making the time to educate them anyway, I would read to them (and me,) something of worth- quality books (including books that might be "over their heads").

Through the years we've (I've) read a number of inspiring books, mainly sections of the Bible itself & biographies of men & women of faith. We've been reading some especially amazing books lately & they've really got me thinking. For the record, (besides the gospel of John & Colossians chapter 3,) I highly recommend the books The Insanity of God (about persecuted Believers around the world & how they stand firm in their faith) as well as the one we're currently 3/4 of the way through, The Heavenly Man (about Chinese house church leader, Brother Yun & his persecution for the sake of Christ).

If you have any kind of apathy in your life, I guarantee you will feel convicted about that after reading either of these!! What I appreciate most about the men who wrote them is the utter honesty they've written them with (that even as "men of God" they struggle with pride & don't have all the answers in life,) & the way they continued to seek out God's path for their lives. My husband asked me (one bad day he was having) :) , "what's the point [in reading about all that]?" I answered, "I'm inspired by it!" These men have encouraged me (and the children) not to settle for status quo in life. Their words (as a Toby Mac song my children love to sing around the house says,) "SPEAK LIFE" into ours!!

We went to the grocery store as a family yesterday since Jason wasn't able to go Friday for us. It's always an adventure, walking through a retail establishment with 8 sets of hands wanting to touch *everything* they lay their eyes on & many of them wanting to spend the few quarters or dollars burning a hole in their pocket!! Somehow we made it through without incident & as they were all enjoying their chocolate ice cream bars (yes, we bribe our children to be "obedient" in the store! ;) ) a lady approached me & commented something to the effect of "I don't know HOW you do it with so many & they're all so well behaved & my two are driving me crazy!!!" First of all, I thought "you're just catching them on a good day."  :) but I wanted so badly to have a profound, deep, Christ-pointing response (because this was an opportunity to share Christ in some way, right???) yet all I could think to say was "well, it's kind of out of necessity [from having so many]." Ugh!!! I felt like it was such a lame answer & such a missed opportunity!!

Yesterday was also half-priced day at Goodwill (a great time to get the belts the older boys needed :) ). We all ended up going together after making it through the grocery & Jason tried to keep an eye on the kids while I looked for a few things. Being extremely pregnant with baby #9, (due Wednesday!) we tend to be noticed wherever we go, & a lady ended up striking up a conversation with me. In a short matter of time, she asked if we were Believers in Christ & said that she loved the Lord as well. It didn't take long for her to share with me some painful things that had happened in the last 2 years of her life, (including how she had to quit her job as a nurse because of some physical issues she had nearly died from,) & how she wondered what God's plan was for her in all that had happened. I was in awe that she would open her heart to me so easily & longed to have an answer for her- some word of encouragement! Yet all I could think of in my mind was, "Isn't that what so many of us are searching for?? What is God's plan for me?"

Along the same lines, Jason led our church group this morning in talking about "Radical Habits" (& discipleship in particular). He asked, "what is our cause [in life]?"

As the group spoke of using God's Word in our lives, God brought Hebrew 4:12 up to me, "For the Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." It reminded me of what the children & I read about Brother Yun (the house church leader in China). He recounted how he first came to know Christ at 16yrs of age. Though he only knew how to read simplified Chinese characters (from his limited schooling,) after miraculously receiving his own copy of God's Word, he wept over it in gratitude & painstakingly translated each character to the traditional Chinese characters in his new Bible! From there, he memorized all of Matthew & Acts within a few months. His diligence put me to shame!! The first time he was speaking to a group of people about Christ, (never having spoken to a group of people before, let alone 40,) & not knowing what else to say, he simply recited what he had memorized from the book of Matthew as fast as he could. From this, (just speaking God's Word,) those people listening were convicted of their sins & compelled to believe in Christ!!

God wants to use His Word (which is infinitely more *powerful* than any of the most eloquent & poignant  words I could think to speak,) to "speak life" into others' lives!!!

Toward the end of our time together this morning, the verses 1 Peter 3:15-16 came to mind.
"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander."

The question probed me... "do I have an answer to everyone who asks me to give the reason for the hope I have?"

Another verse came to mind from those we have been working to memorize together from Colossians 3 (verse 16,) "Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts."

Hebrews 10:24-25 also says "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another- and all the more as you see the day approaching."

Another question has been waiting for me to answer, "Am I spurring others on toward love & good deeds? Am I encouraging those around me... making a difference in their lives with my words & actions?"

In my interactions with others- those who know the Lord Jesus Christ (like the woman at Goodwill,) & those who don't, (like maybe the woman at the grocery store,) am I pointing *everyone* I meet to HIM? Do I speak His Words of LIFE to them, to encourage & uplift, to share His love for them???

If I think about it, God's will for me, His path for all of us, (like we read in church group this morning) is given in Matthew 28- "Then Jesus came to them and said, 'All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

As I read God's powerful & life-giving Word, (& seek to memorize it- not my strong suit!) I am asking Him to also spill that over into the lives I'm a part of on a daily basis (my husband & children,) as well as into the other lives of those mine comes in contact with (who may know Him & may not).

I am praying all our lives (yours & mine!) be a reflection of His Truth living in us (because we're reading it, soaking in it & absorbing it!) & that we in turn, "speak life" to those He has placed in our paths!!!

Repainting the Pain with Joy

As I put together my thoughts for this post, Elariah interrupts them, running in from outside screaming & crying like she just lost her best friend. In reality though, the special icy drink she got from her Papaw & Nana's Ice Cream store ended up spilling all over & her tears along with it.

I just sighed at her dramatics & thought "How relevant. Shouldn't this day be over? I'm ready for a new one."

Back to what I was thinking- It's humorous at times to see the response of various people to our crazy, chaotic family. If the young ones are all out playing in the front yard , we can watch as traffic on our street slows down, fingers find their way counting and mouths form numbers "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6- how many children *do* they have?!?"

All in all, I'm proud of our larger family. Neither Jason nor I really knew what we were getting into when the two of us started this adventure (err...when *God* started this adventure:), and what a ride it's been! At the outset, I probably wouldn't have said that it's the path I would have chosen for us. After all, at one time I thought 2 children & a life in the city would do quite nicely for me. How God, in His infinite mercy, love & wisdom, shatters our plans for ourselves, -for our good & His glory (as I always tell the young ones,) & turns it into something we may never have chosen but never would now choose to change.

 As I grew (even while we were dating,) so did my views toward family and children. They're still growing. They evolved to thinking, "Maybe more children would be okay... maybe adopting." As if I have any control when it comes down to it. I am more and more aware as I age at how selfish I was then (when we first married, when we had our first 2 children at once, when we had our last baby in October, just today when I saw a picture on facebook & found myself discontented with my life).

I have to be honest- having this many, this young, is so hard. It's impossible. It's lonely here, knowing only 1 other family with more children than we have & seeing the negative stigma that comes from strangers at the store who look at us with wonder at why we would do that to ourselves... have so many children. I know what some of them are thinking. I've heard the questions in one form or another... "What in the world does your husband do for a living to support such a large family (because everyone knows children cost a LOT)?!? How are you possibly able to show each of them enough attention? I could NEVER do that... I can barely handle the 2 I have!"

And there are some... a few... that think what we're doing (having a "quiverfull") is a noble & wonderful thing. We must be "wonderful parents" who have so much knowledge to share on child-rearing! And we must be so patient! And I want to laugh. Because none of this was my idea to begin with! I'm selfish- I can't even lay myself down in order to get up in the morning. I'm not a "morning-person". Life with our blessed children is CRAZY. It's unpredictable in as much as you can always expect the unexpected- toilet paper shoved down the bathroom sink by Livy, the 2yr old, flooding the drawers in the cabinet & surrounding floor (& this just happened tonight)... unworn laundry (seemingly from out of nowhere) sopping wet on the floor... & all I can do is sigh as I carry the heavy towels to the dirty clothes hamper along with my heavy heart after mopping up another challenging day.

If you were to ask me if I would change any of it, not a chance. But that doesn't make this burden, this occupation, this life, any easier. Maybe it's not meant to be easier. We're promised trials & tribulations (James). So why is it such a surprise when they come? Why do my precious young ones so innocently take the blocks out again today after we've picked them up several times? Why do those things that inconvenience my day become pits of disappointment, frustration... anger, for me? Could it be that my focus has shifted from my true purpose (to raise these beautiful souls in the nurture & admonition of the Lord), into marking another chore off a checklist?? Could it be that getting that pile of laundry done trumps patiently teaching, training a little one to work with all his little heart in folding that washcloth, as to the Lord? Could it be that I'm forgetting that there is less value in getting through the dirty dishes in the sink than in teaching a much longer-lasting principle of diligence to our twins?

When my focus shifts to the pain it takes to make my weary hand once again put the brush to the canvas (after all, we have to eat & have clean clothing to wear, right?) instead of on the grander beauty of the painting itself, I lose my joy. What if the little blots & smears that I see as inconveniences, I really saw as blessings? It's only when I look for the good in what is happening around me (like finding the humor in hearing Ariston & Noble speak in Italian accents while they're supposed to be seriously cleaning up from breakfast, or praising Cael for the way he loves on his little sister so much instead of yelling at him for waking her, again, from her nap,) only then can I live in JOY & LOVE. It's only if I'm in that place of blessing, of gratitude for what I have, that I'm able to teach, train, redirect & discipline in firm yet patient love, understanding & grace.

I'd much rather be there, than angry, bitter, frustrated... with a day that didn't go as *I* planned. Difficult, messy things will happen whether you have 1 child, 10 or none. My response to those things is what dictates the next moments. Will I curse the rest of the day because of my ruined plans & think "tomorrow is a new day" or will I look for the blessing & think, "this is a new moment"?

Family Direction

Years ago I felt like our family was lacking some direction; to know the clear purpose behind why we were here... how God wanted to use us. This led our smaller (at the time:) family to create an Alexander Family Mission Statement and eventually further led to 7 House Rules that we call our Team Rules (with a question we ask each other & an applicable verse) that we would hold each other accountable to live by. I think it's built a lot of unity among us all, having a common goal & purpose. I also believe it's spurred each of us on to "love and good works" as Hebrews 10:34 says.

Many times, when we study the Word in the mornings after breakfast, the kids & I speak it as a reminder of what we're here to do.

"Our family is chosen to be a unique and essential part of the family of God.
We choose to Love the Lord our God, Serve our family, and Give to others
with humble hearts."

Our 7 Alexander Family Team Rules are:

1. Be Thankful
"Do you have an attitude of gratitude or a badittude?" (a bad attitude:)
1 Thes 5:16-18 says "Rejoice always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
We frequently reference this when attitudes are turning sour. When are we to rejoice, pray & give thanks? Only when life is going as we want? Rejoice always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances. So much easier said than done (especially when life is so hard!!) but still something we are called to do!!

2. Do Right
"What's the next right thing (to do)?" Above our clock we have the verse Eccl 3:1 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." So there is a time for play, a time for chores, a time for work, a time to make messes... :) We often talk about how it's important to do what's good, so what is it a good time for now?
Galatians 6:9 (sung to I'm a Little Teapot- cheesy, but it helps them remember!) says "Let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

3. Speak Truth
"Are you giving a good report & speaking the truth in LOVE?" (We tell on someone ONLY if someone or something is being hurt. If someone is doing something wrong outside of that, we pray for them and encourage them to do what's right as it says in 1 Thes 5:11 & Hebrews 3:13.)
Ephesians 4:25 (sung to the tune of Three Blind Mice:) says
"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body." If we're members of one body- the same body, shouldn't we speak the truth in love as Ephesians 4:15 says shortly before this verse? That is key- speaking prayerfully in love.

4. Consider Others
"Am I serving with JOY (Jesus 1st, Others next & Yourself last)?" 
Leviticus 19:18 says (to the tune of Happy Birthday) "Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge, to one of your people but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord." If we love ourselves enough to feed ourselves when we're hungry & give ourselves rest at night when we're tired, & we're to love others as we love ourselves, how does that look?

5. Practice Discipline
"How can I get control of myself?"
Prov 14:23 says "All hard work brings a profit." There are several other verses we could have used for this but I think this is a good & encouraging one. If I put in the hard work it takes to get up early in the morning, spend time in the Word & pray... if I practice self control in what I eat... if I discipline my body to exercise consistently, there will be a profit from it!

6. Make Peace
"How can I bless (& not curse someone when I'm hurt or they're hurt)?" 
Romans 12:18 says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
"If it is possible..." it may not always be, but "as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

7. Work Hard
"Who do you work for?"
Colossians 3:23 says "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."

It is a daily struggle to live all this out but I'm thankful for God's grace in that! My prayer is that these concepts will be permanently impressed upon our young ones' hearts (as well as mine & Jason's) & they will help shape each of us into mature followers of Christ!

Satan's loss!

I really try not to dwell on the sins of my past too much (or at all) because the past is the past & we all have areas of our lives we wish we could do-over (even if it was just today when I yelled at our son for disobeying instead of responding in love & grace). I've just thought about it more lately & how He gives me so much more grace than I give myself. Every year I'm alive, I think (I hope) I'm learning how to do that better....

I just wonder sometimes how I can help our children circumvent the issues I struggled with & battles I fought from the time I was a child myself... if that's even possible. We each have our own stories to tell; our own battles we fight, and our own war wounds. I guess that's part of life.

My adversaries (from early-on) have been anxiety, extremely low self-worth & depression. (I now know those were contributed to, in great part, by health issues I had but at the time I just felt very alone & confused as to why I had so much more trouble coping with average, daily life issues than others seemed to.)

From the time I was very young I remember being (irrationally) fearful of many things. Then when I got to 10/11/12 years of age (I don't remember exactly when,) the deep depression set in. There was no tangible reason I could see for it, but it was debilitating and inescapable and colored everything I thought, felt, and did. There were times of happiness but the darkness was always there, waiting to creep in again. It impacted me so much that I considered suicide and attempted it when I was about 17 or 18 years old. I felt completely worthless & thought the world would be a better place without me. How Satan twists things & pounces on us in our weaknesses! I still remember that night because of how it affected my relationship with God for years after.

I intended to slit my wrists (though I had a bottle of meds to overdose on if plan A fell through). I hoped to end all the emotional pain I was in (the pain of feeling that no one in the world cared which was totally untrue, though it seemed impossible for me to see anything in my life clearly at the time). So I went in my bedroom, locked the door & just started sobbing uncontrollably in the dark. Through my tears I told God over and over that if He didn't want me to do this, that He would have to stop me, and I half expected the phone to ring or something miraculous... but, nothing. I was overcome with fear about taking my life & cried for a long time, eventually falling asleep. I'm so grateful now that nothing happened!!! However, waking the next morning, I was so angry with God... why didn't He stop me? Why didn't He answer when I called??

In the days that followed, I didn't attempt it again. I went through the motions of living life, but at the core of my heart, I was cold toward God, doubting He mattered, much less, cared about me. The nagging questions kept me from completely trusting Him... why didn't He do anything when I called out to Him??

Surprisingly, even though I was still terribly depressed and felt apathetic toward my life, I never tried it again. I read the Bible searching for something to explain what happened... I called out to Him asking for an answer but couldn't seem to find anything but that I was to "trust Him". What else did I have to hang on to?? Where else could I go? From what God says in His Word, He would never leave me nor forsake me. I felt completely forsaken & left alone. Death was an alternative but not knowing what would happen to me after taking my own life, I chose life. I didn't understand why He didn't answer me in some way, but I guess I just went on in complete, blind faith.

By God's grace, I turned toward Him, leaned into Him, (hoping, trusting, He would be there to lean into)... spoke my heart to Him, searched for how to serve Him & how to live by reading His Word. What else could I do??

Years later I was in a Bible Study by Beth Moore with several friends. I don't remember the context but something Beth Moore said profoundly struck me & shone a bright light on what I went through years earlier. She said "Satan didn't get what he wanted". I thought about that & it welled up emotion that hadn't been stirred in a long time.

"Why didn't you answer me God?? I was at my lowest moment & You didn't answer me when I called..."

"Satan didn't get what He wanted. You're still here."

My heart was pierced- Satan wanted my life but he didn't get it!!! God didn't answer how I thought He would... there was no crashing thunder- no noise, no flash of light to stop me; I just fell quietly asleep in the arms of my Savior. Even if I didn't feel Him, didn't sense Him, He was there. And He didn't let Satan have what he came for- he didn't get ME.

Thank GOD Satan didn't get what he wanted!!!

Because He preserved my life, I've had the privilege to know the love of a phenomenal Christ-like husband (who also gave me the courage & encouragement to be vulnerable & post about this!)

I have 8... EIGHT beautiful, perfectly-formed, miraculously-made, little, precious souls that would never have known life if I wasn't here!!

I'm blessed with an incredible family, am part of an amazing, supportive, loving Church family & have many wonderful friends- among so many other blessings!!!

THANK GOD Satan didn't get what he wanted!!!

It's taken time... my life isn't perfect, but whose is?? I haven't even come close to feeling the temptation to end this precious life for many years now & the depression that I once thought I would never be free from no longer plagues me as it did those years ago!! It hasn't been easy, but God is at work... leading me to healing places (physically, emotionally, spiritually AND mentally) & life is better now than it's ever been!!

THANK GOD Satan didn't get what he wanted!!!
THANK GOD he didn't get ME!!!

Easter Suprise

I really believe my intensified, joyful expectation of Easter Sunday was mostly the result of reading so much about it in the days leading up to it. This was the day the Lord made and I totally rejoiced & was glad in it (as I used to recite to the children when they'd wake up in the morning- I need to get back to doing that, by the way). I have that verse (Psalm 118:24) on my window above my sink to remind me on the difficult days (which sometimes seem to outnumber the easy days)! Today could probably qualify as an "easy" day. :)

Conversation with Jason on our van ride to church group about what we had read this week in the Bible was *rich*. Worshiping with our church group (friends who really are my brothers and sisters,) was so powerful & moving to me; now more than ever, it makes me excited about Heaven! Time spent with Papaw & Nana searching for Easter eggs, eating way too much, even finding the younger ones trying to hide the fact that they'd unwrapped & ingested obscene amounts of those little chocolate eggs was still somehow relaxing and so enjoyable. Yet all those things aren't what prompted this post.

About 8 years ago when we moved here I felt very strongly that I must get to know our new neighbors and share Christ's love with them in any way possible. I felt convicted that though we lived in our old house nearly 5 years or so, I hardly knew a single neighbor. With all that Christ had done for me and the mandate in Matthew 28:19 to "go and make disciples", how could I not at the very least, share His love with those who lived closest to me? I often came up with the excuse to God "But I have young children! It's just not a season of life for me to reach outside of my home... I'm discipling my children!" but my heart was still unsettled. He impressed it strongly on my heart that I was not here, in this home, in this neighborhood, with these neighbors, by accident! Regardless of my insecurities about reaching out to people I didn't know, I knew He was asking me to get outside of my comfort zone and share His truth with these neighbors around me. Besides that, if I wanted to teach our children to live & love others like Jesus, it would be hypocritical of me not to live it myself (and not to mention, would likely turn our older young ones off from Christ when they get to the age of owning their faith).

One way we came up with to connect with those who live around us was to walk door to door to around to 20-25 of our neighbors at Easter and ask how we can pray for them, (8 kids in tow with some holding single stem tulips, some carrying cards with a message of Christ's love and some trying not to eat a bowl of fun size chocolates;). We almost didn't do it this time... Easter came quickly and I didn't get the flowers in advance as I usually do. The thought briefly occurred to me just to skip it this year but for some reason (God's prompting) I felt I shouldn't. So late last night Jason went out & bought the things we needed and Zeal and I stuffed the cards and put everything together in a basket.

We headed out at 7:30 this evening (the only time we had today to deliver the cards & such). Jason & the oldest 6 went to each door, in the sprinkling rain as I prayed from the idled dry van  with our youngest 2. "Lord, please be with these neighbors... touch their hearts somehow with these small gifts... use Your Word to draw them closer to You." (All this as our 3yr old kicked one of our sick, 70-something neighbor lady's legs *SIGH!*). As I thought about how to discipline him, I saw the kids running to the next house, a beautiful 92yr old Christian woman's home that we always visit, my thoughts shifted, "Really, God... Is any of this worth it? Are we making a difference in anyone's lives?? Does our presence really matter to this woman?"

When she invited us inside (as she always does,) He answered me through the words of this sweet lady. "Oh, I'm SO glad you all came! I thought you weren't coming this time!! I was so sad today, missing my husband and thinking you wouldn't come... I listened to the radio for 2 hours and they talked about Jesus (which was wonderful,) but I was wishing I could just open my door and Jesus and His angels would be standing there... I really didn't think you'd come! I talked to people on the phone about you today...  my daughter said maybe you were sick... several times I looked for you... I was sitting on my back porch... and then I heard the children!!"

We were all standing in her kitchen as the younger ones were running around. I heard things being moved around by our children in the other room. As she said the words, "I wish I could open the door and see Jesus and his angels." Jesus' voice, in the midst of all the noise the children were causing, quietly and thankfully whispered to me,  "You let me answer her prayer to see me and my angels tonight."

Hearing the voice of God clearly share to my heart how much He can do with my pathetic attempts to stretch into the lives of a few, melted me as she repeated her gratitude. The surprise is that He actually wants to use us, these broken jars of clay to show Himself to a lonely widow who was looking for Him and us on Easter. Tears, Awe, and Brokenness.

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us." ~2 Corinthians 4:7

Humbled by a Child

Earlier today Cael came running in the house from the backyard to tell me Noble was talking with strangers over the fence. Noble was called in & talked to about taking care in talking with strangers & allowed back out to play.

Very soon after Cael ran back in & confessed to talking with the same strangers over the fence. Immediately I chastised him for doing what his younger brother had just gotten in trouble for doing and told him he had to remain inside instead of going back out to play. What was he thinking? However God quietly prompted me to ask him what he talked to the boys over the fence about.

"What did you say to them Cael?" Cael, who was silent through my hasty reprimanding paused before speaking, "I asked them if they knew why we celebrated Easter." I felt instantly ashamed of myself as he continued, "They said it was because God died and I told them it was good that they knew that... I was thinking about what you said about how we needed to tell people about Jesus so I wanted to ask them. Can I go back out to play?"

Instantly humbled, I answered quietly, "Yes, of course you can Cael."

All week I had been reading the Bible to the children around the table, (which was more like yelling over all the noise of the young ones,) talking about the Lord giving His life as a perfect sacrifice on the cross for our sins and the joy of His resurrection because we have hope for eternity with Him. We had talked about the parable of the 10 virgins and how 5 of them weren't ready when the Bridegroom came. I related how Jesus was returning soon and we needed to be ready: watching, praying, and sharing Christ's love with others until He came. Every day as we talked, though, there were frequent interruptions (as there are with young children) and I really wondered if the message was sinking in. It's so ironic how God uses our children to humble us and teach us when we think we're teaching them!

Cael, who tends to be one of our more challenging children at times, (frequently coming up with ideas of things he shouldn't be doing and rarely taking "no" for an answer,) put me to shame with his soft heart & words of wisdom and truth. How often have I prayed for him to grow into a young man like that?

*Sigh!* I'm so grateful that God is so patient with me in my frequent failures as a mother (and a wife), so full of grace and love, gently admonishing me (even sometimes through my children)! Lord help me to be a model of your love to my family! Help me to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and much slower to become angry! (James 1:19)