As I put together my thoughts for this post, Elariah interrupts them, running in from outside screaming & crying like she just lost her best friend. In reality though, the special icy drink she got from her Papaw & Nana's Ice Cream store ended up spilling all over & her tears along with it.
I just sighed at her dramatics & thought "How relevant. Shouldn't this day be over? I'm ready for a new one."
Back to what I was thinking- It's humorous at times to see the response of various people to our crazy, chaotic family. If the young ones are all out playing in the front yard , we can watch as traffic on our street slows down, fingers find their way counting and mouths form numbers "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6- how many children *do* they have?!?"
All in all, I'm proud of our larger family. Neither Jason nor I really knew what we were getting into when the two of us started this adventure (err...when *God* started this adventure:), and what a ride it's been! At the outset, I probably wouldn't have said that it's the path I would have chosen for us. After all, at one time I thought 2 children & a life in the city would do quite nicely for me. How God, in His infinite mercy, love & wisdom, shatters our plans for ourselves, -for our good & His glory (as I always tell the young ones,) & turns it into something we may never have chosen but never would now choose to change.
As I grew (even while we were dating,) so did my views toward family and children. They're still growing. They evolved to thinking, "Maybe more children would be okay... maybe adopting." As if I have any control when it comes down to it. I am more and more aware as I age at how selfish I was then (when we first married, when we had our first 2 children at once, when we had our last baby in October, just today when I saw a picture on facebook & found myself discontented with my life).
I have to be honest- having this many, this young, is so hard. It's impossible. It's lonely here, knowing only 1 other family with more children than we have & seeing the negative stigma that comes from strangers at the store who look at us with wonder at why we would do that to ourselves... have so many children. I know what some of them are thinking. I've heard the questions in one form or another... "What in the world does your husband do for a living to support such a large family (because everyone knows children cost a LOT)?!? How are you possibly able to show each of them enough attention? I could NEVER do that... I can barely handle the 2 I have!"
And there are some... a few... that think what we're doing (having a "quiverfull") is a noble & wonderful thing. We must be "wonderful parents" who have so much knowledge to share on child-rearing! And we must be so patient! And I want to laugh. Because none of this was my idea to begin with! I'm selfish- I can't even lay myself down in order to get up in the morning. I'm not a "morning-person". Life with our blessed children is CRAZY. It's unpredictable in as much as you can always expect the unexpected- toilet paper shoved down the bathroom sink by Livy, the 2yr old, flooding the drawers in the cabinet & surrounding floor (& this just happened tonight)... unworn laundry (seemingly from out of nowhere) sopping wet on the floor... & all I can do is sigh as I carry the heavy towels to the dirty clothes hamper along with my heavy heart after mopping up another challenging day.
If you were to ask me if I would change any of it, not a chance. But that doesn't make this burden, this occupation, this life, any easier. Maybe it's not meant to be easier. We're promised trials & tribulations (James). So why is it such a surprise when they come? Why do my precious young ones so innocently take the blocks out again today after we've picked them up several times? Why do those things that inconvenience my day become pits of disappointment, frustration... anger, for me? Could it be that my focus has shifted from my true purpose (to raise these beautiful souls in the nurture & admonition of the Lord), into marking another chore off a checklist?? Could it be that getting that pile of laundry done trumps patiently teaching, training a little one to work with all his little heart in folding that washcloth, as to the Lord? Could it be that I'm forgetting that there is less value in getting through the dirty dishes in the sink than in teaching a much longer-lasting principle of diligence to our twins?
When my focus shifts to the pain it takes to make my weary hand once again put the brush to the canvas (after all, we have to eat & have clean clothing to wear, right?) instead of on the grander beauty of the painting itself, I lose my joy. What if the little blots & smears that I see as inconveniences, I really saw as blessings? It's only when I look for the good in what is happening around me (like finding the humor in hearing Ariston & Noble speak in Italian accents while they're supposed to be seriously cleaning up from breakfast, or praising Cael for the way he loves on his little sister so much instead of yelling at him for waking her, again, from her nap,) only then can I live in JOY & LOVE. It's only if I'm in that place of blessing, of gratitude for what I have, that I'm able to teach, train, redirect & discipline in firm yet patient love, understanding & grace.
I'd much rather be there, than angry, bitter, frustrated... with a day that didn't go as *I* planned. Difficult, messy things will happen whether you have 1 child, 10 or none. My response to those things is what dictates the next moments. Will I curse the rest of the day because of my ruined plans & think "tomorrow is a new day" or will I look for the blessing & think, "this is a new moment"?
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